022: Promise You Won’t Tell? by John Locke

Title: Promise You Won’t Tell?
Author: John Locke
Stars: ★☆☆☆☆

Blurb: “I think something might have happened to me Saturday night. Something bad.”

Private Investigator Dani Ripper’s client list is nuttier than the Looney Tunes conga line, but she diligently solves one crazy case after another, waiting for a game-changer.

Enter Riley Freeman, 17-year-old honor student.

Saturday afternoon Riley quietly placed a little strawberry sticker on her private area and pretended it was a tattoo. She didn’t tell anyone about it. That night she went to a slumber party that featured drinking and boys. Riley fell asleep, woke up the next day with no reason to think anything happened…

…Until Monday, at school, when a classmate called her Strawberry.

Coincidence or crime? Dani agrees to investigate. And the roller coaster ride begins.

Review:

Wow, this book annoyed me! The book starts at 4% on my kindle so I knew it wasn’t going to be too long of a story and I was right, it finished at 92%

I don’t get reviews that say you can’t tell that a man wrote this because I thought it was so obvious that it was, especially with all the mentions of breasts.

Also, Dani mentions that she didn’t actually really love her dead husband. Which had me confused, like, so why marry him? While we’re on the subject of Dani, I didn’t find her funny at all and her backstory just seemed to be added in so that the author could say that she had a traumatic childhood.

Oh, and you know in the real world most people who have been raped and kidnapped are allowed to live in peace for the most part? Nope, not our Dani!

“…in the past two months I’ve placed top ten among the world’s most beautiful women in two national magazines.”

Because how dare we have an ugly main character with unperky breasts!!

Another thing that annoyed me was how the author handled lesbianism, especially when Dani talks about being hired to seduce an assassin’s girlfriend:

“His girlfriend, also an assassin, had been living a lesbian lifestyle for years. He had to be absolutely convinced she was ready to hang up her dildo.”

That’s not lesbianism! Lesbians are attracted to women, they wouldn’t just go off with a man after ‘getting bored’ of being a lesbian! I think this wouldn’t anger me so much if the author just used the word ‘bisexual’, because we do exist. The B in LGBT doesn’t stand for bacon!

(However, maybe I would still be annoyed because then we’d probably end up with the Slutty!Bisexual trope.)

There is also a lot more focus on dialogue than action and a lot of the time the writing reads as such:

“Blah blah blah.”

“Blah blah blah.”

I say, “Blah blah blah.” 

(Not an actual quote from the book, by the way.)

Like, there is barely any action with it and it drove me to the point where I just didn’t care about what was happening or going to happen.

The main plot line didn’t even start until 12% and it was convoluted and just stupid and did nothing more than paint women in a bad light and made us all look like conniving, manipulative shrews.

Wow, I think I hate this book more than Stepbrother with Benefits! I actually feel bad about giving that one such a low rating after I’ve read this!

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